The trouble with going so long in between posts is that I want to catch everyone up on everything that has happened since the last one.

Well, that is impossible...

The short update is things are going really well, I have work. Though the scheduling is a bit crazy, it is more than enough to pay the bills and I am very greatful. Today I have this feeling that it's time to get a more secure, same routine everyday job. However, it's not that I didn't try when I lost my job in the first place, it was that no one was hiring...at least the places I tried. Not sure what to do. I know if I got a more secure job then all my benefits would be taken care of, and I could move out without worrying about whether or not I will be able to babysit enough to keep up the income. Basically, I want to be in control rather than trusting God will bring me families that need childcare and when they don't anymore bring me new ones...hmmm.

Spiritually things have been good. I am reading through the bible with a friend. I haven't been in the word as much as I would like, but I am definately hearing God's voice more and He talks to me through out the day frequently so I feel like I am spending time with Him and getting direction even though I am not sitting down having a "quiet time".

 For example, I have been thinking a lot about "Man looks at the outward appearance but God looks at the heart". This applies to SO many areas of my life. I am a huge people pleaser, and also have lots of fear of what people think of me. So for example, I was praying with some friends and everyone had confessed some struggles or sins of theirs and we were worshiping and praying and I really felt like God said "Go touch each person and pray for them". Now, how in the world can I not make that about me? How does that not make me look like this super spiritual person that has power?? Now, even though their may be the people in the crowd that would percieve me that way, it doesn't matter. Because God sees my heart and He knows that I obeyed what He said. When I didn't do it, to the people around I look normal that I am just doing what everyone else is doing, but to God I just disobeyed so I wouldn't rock the boat with people around me. That is one example, and a more extreme one I guess...but this applies to everything! Sigh... Prayers in this area would be appreciated...

 I leave for Germany on Saturday!!!! WAHOOO!!!! I am WAY excited!!!! I got a new digital camera for my birthday...one that doesn't run out of AA battery power after 6 shots. YEAH!

 I am LOVING working with baby L, there are times when she falls asleep and I just hold her the whole time and that makes me slow down and I clear my mind and pray for people or just listen to what God has to say. Interesting that it takes a baby to slow me down. Honestly, there is no other reason I would just sit and listen. I have in the past when I do have quiet times but I always get up. Well, can't do that so easily with a baby in your arms. Those are the best times ever! Now, when I am a mom and I have tons of housework to do it may be more of a struggle and I would probaby quickly put her in her crib so I can get done what I need to get done, but it's nice to have watching the baby be my only job during this season of my life.

 I am buying furniture for my hopefully in the near future apartment! YEAH! God is totally providing!!! All at the same time lots of my friends are getting rid of stuff...it's just finding a place to put it. My sister's storage I am sharing...is now full...sadness...

 I am getting lots of money back from MK and deciding what I should do with it. I could pay off my smallest college loan, or use it to get everything else I need for the apartment. I need to pray about what to do with the money instead of decide what I want to do.

  Also, I am praying about whether or not to get a roommate. I know getting one makes things cheaper. However, I feel like I have been dependent on and pleasing people my whole life. And I know that so many times I want to hang out in my room and spend some time with God and then my step mom will ask me if I want to watch TV or go to dinner and I always choose that. So, if I have a roommate I think it would be the same. And K said she enjoyed living by herself because there was no distractions. I think it would be a good season to develop some self-discipline so that when I do live with someone in the future (whether a husband or roommate) I will be able to say "I need some time alone right now to do X".  Living alone is where I felt God leading me and then I was praying about it more and one girls name kept popping in my head. I emailed her and she hasn't gotten back to me...so we will see. There is also C, whose lease runs up in Dec. But she works in Dallas and I want to live up here, but she works nights so that would be nice, we would each have our alone time in the apt. We'll see...

 I think I will go looking after I get back from Germany, for a job job and a place.

So I have started reading What's so Amazing about Grace?

It's a pretty good book, nothing too profound yet. It is helping me trust God more and the author does a good job of wording some concepts I have heard before in a different way to where they are sinking in more now. Or actually, it's probably not the author, but the Holy Spirit.

 In the book sometimes he gives real stories as examples of grace. And I have seen a couple of examples the past few weeks myself and I wanted to share with you all.

The first one I saw was at Walgreens and this guy who totally looked strung out on drugs was at the check out next to me and he was telling the man that this medicine was the only thing that made his tooth feel better but he only had 3 dollars and it was 4 something. Immediately all the bitterness from my past retail experiences and all my pride was like no way, you are totally addicted to pain killers and you don't have any money to feed your addiction. Of course I was thinking all this to myself. And the walgreens cashier was saying their wasn't anything he could do for him. Then the guy asked if he could talk to someone else. The lady manager came over and she said she would go get her purse so she would pay for the rest of it. UGH! That was so hard for me to see, yet it was a total example of Grace. God totally spoke to me in that moment. I know we as christians have the opportunity to give Grace to people at any given moment, but I am super glad I am not the author and that everyone's grace depends on me.

Another example was when I was waiting in line at Chipotle, the next family up (mom and two little boys) was waiting and one of the little boys dropped his toy that had some "water" and fish in it (it was really oily blue stuff) and it broke and spilled all over the floor. The mom remained cool, she put the broken plastic in the trash and then the little boy looked so sad and was sorry he did it and the mom just said "it's ok honey, it's a part of life, these things happen". It was so good for me to see this because growing up I did not receive grace like that at all, I was always yelled at and called stupid. I loved seeing that and I prayed for her and was so greatful that those boys had a wonderful mom. They continue through the line and the boy ends up being sad because he is mad his toy is now gone. Then the mom told him "you broke it so now it's gone, there isn't anything I can do about that." So that is how God can offer grace to us but yet we will still have to experience the consequences of our actions.

 As much pride that is in me that doesn't like grace, that is how much I want God to penetrate my heart and allow me to rest in His love and Grace.

  As far as jobs go, I decided it wouldn't be the best decision to just hold out for that summer only job (which I haven't heard from and the position was supposed to start June 1st so I probably didn't get it), so I picked up the phone Tuesday morning and called the family who was offering the full time nanny with health insurance paid opportunity and then I went for an interview later that afternoon! We had a GREAT time talking and we seem to be on the same page about everything. And then she called me back to meet her husband and the little boy (he was asleep when I came Tuesday) last night (Wednesday). So, I am hoping for this job.  The little boy is starting preschool in the fall so I asked her if that meant my hours would be cut and she said no. For as long as I work with them, which we discussed would be at least two years and hopefully longer, they will pay me for 40 hours. If it gets to where he is in preschool 3 or 4 days a week they said they would put me to work in the dad's business he owns doing administrative stuff. WHOA! CRAZY! huh??  As far as everything I can see it seems perfect, but I know God can see more so I just told Him to do what is best for me.
 
 Also on Tuesday this one place in plano called me, I have replied to so many job things I honestly can't remember the details of this place, but I am sure it was one of the administrative type positions. She told me to call back so she could ask me questions. I called back and she said "tell me about yourself". I HATE this question, because I feel like who I am shouldn't be where I went to school, previous work history etc., it should be character but then I don't feel like sharing that with random strangers. Anyways, I told her about school and work stuff and she said she would pass my resume on to her boss... so we'll see about that.
 
 I am still trying to contact this lady who works at a local hospital. My friend Holly works overnight 4 nights a week (fulltime with benefits) answering phones and general customer service in the ER. She said the other lady who worked when she didn't quit and that position needs to be filled quickly. I call this lady and she never answers, and my friend said she wouldn't and just to keep calling. Then my friend emailed me her boss email address because she said to send my resume to her, but every time I try, the email comes back. Maybe that is God shutting this door...but 4 nights a week would be sweet, plus getting paid more because it's overnight... Oh well though... I think I am going to keep trying for a little while.
 
 I decided against the teaching overseas thing because I go and do that for a year and I come back and none of my loans are paid off anymore than when I left and I still need a job.
 
 I also had lunch with a friend yesterday and she was talking about all these dreams she had even though now she is married and has a kid due July 3rd. She said her husband tells her all the time that she wants to do enough things for 4 lifetimes in one lifetime. I feel that way. All these amazing options and opportunities that are even good things (missions etc.), but guess what I can't do it all and thankfully the world will keep turning without me (keep having to remind myself that). :)
 
 The cleansing stuff is pretty interesting actually. It's going well and I am sticking to it, but it's like everything I eat I can eat a lot and I still don't feel "full" or that "satisfied" feeling I get after I eat which is most of the time the whole reason I eat. I am definately an emotional eater so all this angst or worry about job stuff I feel it in my stomach and other times I would just go grab a cookie or starbucks to make that feeling go away. But, I can't do that now. And if I eat something I can eat, it won't take away the pain anyways so what is the point. GRR. It's hard, but I am glad I am realizing these patterns. Day 3...4 to go.

That's all for now folks